Bad Jokes (Really, Really Bad Jokes)
So I went to the eye doctor today and said: "I think I need glasses".
She said: "I think you're right, this is a pet shop".
If you lose your Khakis in Chicago, it means you can't find your pants.
If you lose your Khakis in Boston, it means you can't start your car.
The salesman at the furniture store said to me, “This sofa will seat five people without any problems.”
I said, “Where the hell am I going to find five people without any problems?”
I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost. I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
My pal asked me where he could meet women who scream loudly in bed? I took him to a maternity ward.
A woman turns to her husband in bed and asks, "Do you love me only because my father died and left me a fortune?"
"That's crazy. Of course not," he says. "I'd love you no matter who left you the money."
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject? Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
Two friends are chatting and one boasts about his new car.
“So I’ve got a new Tesla Model X; it drives itself.”
“Nice...where is it?”
“No idea!”
I ordered this book titled: “How to Scam People”. It’s been three months now – I’m hoping it’ll arrive soon!
I went on a date last night with a girl from the zoo. It was great. She’s a keeper.
You really should try archery while blindfolded. You don't know what you're missing.
My grief counselor died. He was so good I don’t even care.
My therapist told me to let go of my anger by writing letters to those I hate and then burning them. I forgot to ask if I should keep the letters!
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day. Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life!
There’s a new movie coming out about mobile homes. I just saw the trailer.
I had to change dentists because the last one hurt my fillings.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Guess who I bumped into on my way to get my glasses fixed.
Everybody.
A brief explanation of what an acorn is: in a nutshell, it's an oak tree.
A man in authority walks into a bar. He orders everyone a round.
Just bought a pack of animal crackers, but had to take them back because the seal was broken.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
My furniture goes back to Louis the 14th. Unless I pay Louis by the 13th.
So, it turns out that a home DNA test is not a good baby shower gift.
I asked the waitress for a quickie & she slapped me.
The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced quiche, dear.”
Did anyone see the joke I posted recently about my spine? It was about a weak back.
I went out to buy a camouflage jacket today, but I couldn’t find one.
I don't want to brag, but I finished the jigsaw puzzle in a week and it said 2-4 years on the box.
I’m really sad, because someone broke into our house and stole my globe.
It meant the world to me.
Thieves are going store to store shoplifting clothes in size order. Police say they're still at large.
Dad died because we couldn't remember his blood type. I will never forget his last words. "Be positive."
Whenever my kleptomania flares up, I take something for it.
I went to a costume party the other night dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads!
The police want to interview me... Strange, I didn't even apply for a job.
Grandma complained that with age her joints were getting weaker. I told her to just roll them a little tighter.
My dog accidentally swallowed a whole bag of Scrabble tiles. We took him to the vet to get him checked out. No word yet…
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea. I said, try ordering tacos instead.
I was abducted by aliens who made me tidy my room, eat all my dinner and brush my teeth before bed. I was on the Mother Ship!
My twin brother called me from prison. He said: “You know how we finish each other’s sentences?”
Can you believe I ran over two Miles yesterday?! I mean, what are the chances they would both would have the same name!?
Son: "Dad, will you do my math homework for me tonight?"
Dad: "No son, it wouldn’t be right."
Son: "Well, just do your best."
Before I die, I’m going to eat a bag of unpopped popcorn. That should make the cremation a little more interesting.
I’m not wearing glasses anymore... I've seen enough!!
You know you were named after you dad right? I mean naming you before him would have been very complicated.
I got so drunk last night I started a fight with a mop. To be fair I wiped the floor with him.
It's my first week working at the bicycle factory and they already made me the spokes person.
I watched a documentary on weed last night. I think that’s how I’ll watch all documentaries from now on.
Dad: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!
Doctor: Wow that’s the worst case of parking sons disease I’ve come across.
A guy recently got divorced from his wife. They decided to split the house. He got the outside.
The adjective for metal is metallic. But not so for iron... which is ironic.
So what if I can't spell Armageddon. It's not the end of the world.
I’m reading a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is going to happen. I can just feel it!
I'm not a fan of elevator music. It's bad on so many levels.
My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters. My daughter Chewbacca, not so much.
What word starts with E and ends with E but only has one letter in it?
Envelope.
A trip to the Delivery Room in a hospital can really bring out the kid in you.
Accidentally replaced my halogen bulbs with hallucinogen bulbs.
Circuit breakers are tripping and my electric bill is really high.
After some heavy drinking in a bar, I took a bus home. It may not seem a big deal, but I've never driven a bus before.
It's funny when people act all smart & intellectual & talk about Mozart, when they've never seen even one of his paintings!
DRINKING WARNING: Vodka & ice will ruin your kidneys. Rum & ice will ruin your liver. Whiskey & ice will ruin your heart. Pepsi & ice will ruin your teeth. Apparently ice is lethal!!! ~ Just drink it straight!! You could save a life!!! And don't forget… it also sank the Titanic!!
I went to the Doctor with hearing problems. He said "Can you describe the symptoms?" I said: “Homer’s a fat dude and Marge has blue hair.”
Life is like a helicopter. I don't know how to operate a helicopter.
Got my friend an elephant for his room. He said, ‘Thanks.’ I said, ‘Don't mention it...’
My grandson is a man trapped in a woman’s body. He’ll be born in February.
Kid: "Dad, what's leather made from?"
Dad: "Hide."
Kid: "What???"
Dad: "Hide... a cow’s outside".
Kid: "I'm not afraid of a cow."
I used to doubt whether my fingers were dependable, but I’ve learned I can count on them.
My rum and raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free.
Emergency caller: "Hurry, my friend was bitten by a wolf!"
Operator: "Where?"
Caller: "No, a regular one!"
My friend just said, “I really wish I'd listened to my mom.”
I said, “Why, what did she say?”
He said, “I don't know, I wasn't listening.”
Me: I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present.
Cop: You ARE the lawyer.
Me: So where's my present?
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Storm troopers giggle.
If anybody wants to sponsor me, I'm doing a 0.002km run to raise awareness for laziness.
I tried cooking with wine last night. After 5 glasses, I couldn't remember why I was in the kitchen.
I got thrown out of the cinema for making my own food yesterday. It’d been ages since I’ve tried barbecue.
I tried to join the Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting... but all the seats were taken.
My biology teacher grew human vocal chords from stem cells in the lab. The results speak for themselves.
Doesn't matter if you're rich, poor, tall or short. At the end of the day,
it's night.
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now. I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask.
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
I would like to be a millionaire just like my dad. He always wanted to be a millionaire too.
Q: What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
A: Outlaws are wanted.
I took my dog to the park today and played Frisbee with him. He was useless. I think I need a flatter dog.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I'm not sure what it means.
I never discuss infinity with a mathematician. They can go on about it forever.
I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row. I’m hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.
I haven't tried yoga... but I have tried bending over to pick up my keys, so I'm pretty sure I'd hate yoga.
My friend used to go out with a twin. I said: "How could you tell one from the other?"
He said: "Easy, my girlfriend wore blue nail polish .... and her brother had a beard and played guitar".
I’m so glad I learned about parallelograms in high school geometry, instead of how to do my taxes. It comes in handy during parallelogram season.
Why do elephants drink? To forget.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe. I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive.
It’s been six months since I joined the gym and no progress. I'm going there in person tomorrow to find out what's going on.
Human complexity is mind-boggling. Your body has so many cells that if you laid them end to end lengthwise, you’d be dead.
I just invented a telepathic air freshener. Makes scents when you think about it.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did... but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning when I thought to myself... I really need to wash some cups.
They say that revenge is a dish best served cold. They also say that revenge is sweet. So basically, revenge is ice cream.
5 out of 4 people have trouble with fractions.
I had the rudest, slowest, nastiest cashier today. I guess it's my own fault for using the self checkout lane.
How to cook crack and clean a crab.
Step 1: Use goddam commas.
How dare you incinerate that I don't know big words.
Tectonic plates are not supposed to be put in the dishwasher. Not even for continental breakfast.
Whoever said "Out of sight, out of mind" never had a spider disappear in their bedroom... just before bed.
I just read a book on Stockholm syndrome. It was pretty bad at first but in the end I kinda liked it.
I don't know about you, but whenever I go to Dairy Queen, I always, well, I always get the shakes.
If it weren’t for that clever man who discovered electricity, we’d all be watching television by candlelight.
Do weddings at nudist colonies need to have dress rehearsals?
Why is it called "emotional baggage" and not "griefcase"?
Here's a fun fact about bees: most of them are actually allergic. When exposed to pollen they develop hives.
A dentist on my block was just arrested for dealing pot. I’ve been going to him for years and didn’t even know he was a dentist!
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
I got a new job at the chess piece factory. I start next week on knights.
It’s funny how we say, “A bug hit my windshield” when we’re the ones doing 70 mph. I bet the bug's family describes it differently.
A documentary made by the Flat Earth society has been nominated for a Golden Globe.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the Receipt of the Jedi.
I don't care how nice the hand soap smells... you should never walk out of the restroom sniffing your finger.
If someone steals your TESLA, does it become an Edison?
I saw a horse-drawn carriage yesterday. I didn’t know horses could draw!
For those who are struggling with English:
Don't = Do not
Won't = Wo not
Follow me for more advice…
Parachute for sale. Only used once. Never opened.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies.
Artificial orange juice was first invented in Ancient China during the Tang Dynasty.
R.I.P. to my pet mouse Elvis. He was caught in a trap.
I just found out they won’t be making 12-inch rulers any longer!
Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
I got an email today charging $9.99 to teach me how to read maps backwards. It turned out to be spam.
My kids got me a box of small rocks and sand for my birthday. It's not the best gift I've ever gotten, but I appreciate the sediment.
While out on the farm, I hear a lot of jokes about sheep... I told them to the dog, but he'd herd them all.
The cashier told me, "Strip Down Facing Me." By the time I realized she meant the debit card it was too late.
I asked my friend when his birthday was. He said March 1st. So I paraded around the room and asked him again.
There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.
Scuba stands for Self-Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. A tuba is Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus.
My chiropractor said he needed to apply traction to my lower extremity to straighten out my hip, but I think he was just pulling my leg.
Sad news. I broke up with my girlfriend Loraine. She found out I was seeing another girl, Claire Lee. Good news though, I can see Claire Lee now, Loraine is gone.
Yesterday one of my good friends told me I make them very uncomfortable by violating their personal space. I felt very upset because it ruined our bath.
I tried to give blood today. Never again… too many questions. “Whose blood is it? Where did it come from? Why is it in a bucket?”
When I moved into my igloo my friends threw me a housewarming party. Now I’m homeless.
It must be difficult to judge a wet t-shirt contest... I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.
He said, “No.”
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick. Especially since his name is Steve.
Today I saw someone waving and I wasn't sure whether they were waving at me or someone behind me.
In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
There’s a new online dating site for cannibals called “Tender.”
Cop: You were going fast.
Me: I was just trying to keep up with traffic.
Cop: There isn't any.
Me: I know! That's how far behind I am.
Walking past a farm I saw a sign that read "Duck, Eggs." I assumed it was an unnecessary comma. Then it hit me.
1. Going to bed early
2. Not leaving my house.
3. Not going to a party.
My childhood punishments have become my adult goals.
I took one step into the country of Sweden. It was then I knew I had crossed the Finnish line.
So this guy stopped me in the village today and said, "What a lovely part of the country you live in, have you lived here all your life?"
I said, "No, not yet."
Sick and tired of hearing these Olympic athletes say how much work they've put in and the sacrifices they've made. What do they want, a medal?
My friend says she buys a new pair of shoes when she's down in the dumps. I always wondered where she got them.
Salad tastes pretty good once you add some pizza and get rid of the lettuce.
If poison expires, is it more poisonous or no longer poisonous? Asking for a friend…
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camo jacket... you can hide but you can’t run.
I don't trust joggers. They're always the ones that find dead bodies. Just sayin'....
DOCTOR: "You have a disease but we can treat it."
ME: "What's the cure?"
DOCTOR: "The Cure was an 80s rock band fronted by Robert Smith, but let's try to stay focused."
If the people in horror movies listened to me, they would all still be alive.
I was fired from my job because I kept asking customers whether they’d prefer “smoking”, or “non-smoking”. Apparently, the correct terms are “cremation” or “burial”.
Tradition is just peer pressure from the dead.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Wanna know the last thing my grandfather said to me just before he kicked the bucket?
"Hey, watch how far I can kick this bucket."
I hate hotel towels. So thick and fluffy, I can't even close my suitcase.
When I was a kid, my parents would always say, "Excuse my French" just after a swear word. I'll never forget my first day at school when my teacher asked if any of us knew any French.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Mom: I certainly hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice gentleman is going to help us.
I had a terrifying experience last night, I was alone in the house having a bath, when all of a sudden I felt a tap on my shoulder.
I made a Christmas wall decoration out of pine branches and $100 bills. It’s a wreath of Franklin.
I’m a leader, not a follower. Unless it’s dark and spooky. Then you’re the leader.
If a cookie falls on the floor and you pick it up, that’s a squat. Right?
I told my suitcases no vacation this year. Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.
I have a medical condition that keeps me from dieting. I get hungry.
Doctor: “I have some bad news and some really bad news.”
Patient: “Well, might as well give me the bad news first.”
“The lab called with your test results.
They said you have 24 hours to live.”
“24 HOURS! That’s terrible!! What could possibly be worse? What’s the really bad news?”
“I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.”
I just saw an idiot on a treadmill at the gym. Can you believe this? He put a water bottle in the Pringles holder.
She: You need to do more chores around the house.
He: Can we change the subject?
She: Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you.
Somebody stole my thesaurus and I'm at a loss for words.
I paid $25 for a three-mile taxi ride to the laundromat. I feel like I’ve been taken to the cleaners.
I once went on a date with a cross-eyed girl. It turns out she was seeing someone else on the side.
I'm trying to organize a hide-and-seek tournament. But good players are really hard to find.
Therapist: So, what brings the two of you here today?
She: He’s impossible to live with. He’s always so literal.
He: My truck.
My grandma was 80% Irish. People called her Iris.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet. Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
When you look really closely... all mirrors look like eyeballs
So many people are far too judgmental. I can tell just by looking at them.
I went skydiving today for the first time. This guy strapped himself to me and we jumped out of the plane. As we were falling he said, "So, how long have you been an instructor?"
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving, but you do need one to go a second time.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Don’t you just hate it when someone answers their own questions? I sure do.
The best time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing someone’s cast.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. They’ll never expect it back.
If you're attacked by clowns, go for the juggler.
"Dad, how do you know if someone is an alcoholic?"
"You see those cars over there son? An alcoholic would see eight instead of four."
"Dad, there are just two cars."
With great power comes... a great electricity bill.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself, ‘This changes everything.’
“I have a split personality,” said Tom, being frank.
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.
I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but he said it’s just a bug going around.
I’ve been bored recently, so I decided to take up fencing. The neighbors keep demanding that I put it back.
My grandpa had the heart of the lion… and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
I just found out that I’m color blind. The news came completely out of the green!
I want to be cremated--it's my last hope for a smoking hot body.
I love the way the earth rotates. It really makes my day.
I’ve got a perfect body, but it’s in the basement and beginning to smell.
I dusted once. It came back. I’m not falling for that again.
I heard that by law you have to turn on your car lights when it's raining in Sweden. How am I supposed to know when it's raining in Sweden?
My doctor has advised me to stop drinking. It's going to be a massive change for me.
I've been with that doctor for 15 years.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night. I'm in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
When you're waiting for the waiter... do you become the waiter?
I just called the paranoia hotline. A guy answered, "How the hell did you get this number?"
As I put my car in reverse, I thought to myself... this takes me back.
I was arrested for stealing a whole set of encyclopedias. I said to the police, "Wait, I can explain everything!"
Does anybody know where I can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? Asking for a friend.
I recently took a pole. And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed.
“Doctor, are the test results ready yet? I’m dying of curiosity!”
“Well… uh… not just curiosity.”
I finished childproofing my home but I didn't do a good enough job. Kids are still able to get in the house.
I was wondering what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 15 brothers and sisters but they didn’t know either.
When I'm around my Spanish-speaking friends I always use the word "mucho"...
It means a lot to them.
A woman just completed a 40-week bodybuilding program this morning. It’s a girl and weighs 7 pounds, 12 ounces.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you,” she said. “But it’s still on the list.”
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it's $1.50. You know why?
Inflation.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.
Guy goes to his doctor because he can see into the future. The doctor asks him, "How long have you suffered from that condition?"
"Since next Monday."
I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin. The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.
A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, "I'm sorry, but you only have ten left." The patient asks him, "Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?" The doctor calmly looks at him and says, "Nine."
My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, "You'll be next!" They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. "My friend isn't breathing," he shouts into the phone. "What should I do?"
"Relax," the operator tells him. "I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There's silence, and then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone and says, "OK, now what?"
My son, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die. "Usually an overdose, son.”
My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
"Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?" the patient asked. "To the morgue," the doctor replied.
"What?" The patient panicked. "But I'm not dead yet!"
"And we're not there yet," the doctor said.
The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.
A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend."
The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better."
"Thanks Dad," the son says.
The father shakes his head. "I was talking to your girlfriend."
What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.
My parents raised me as an only child, which really annoyed my younger brother.
"Welcome back to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today!"
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."
I'd like to have kids one day. I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere!
I'm starting a new dating service in Prague. It's called Czech-Mate.
What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!
My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!
I thought about going on an all-almond diet… But that's just nuts!
My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" And I told him, "No it doesn't!"
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
The judge asks, "First offender?"
"No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!"
Some people can't distinguish between etymology and entomology. They bug me in ways I can't put into words.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."
One of my favorite memories as a kid was when my friends would to put me inside a tire and roll me down a hill. Those were the Goodyears!
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, "Let's make this interesting." So we stopped playing chess.
I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
First rule of Thesaurus Club: You do not talk, speak, chat, deliberate, confer, gab, or converse about Thesaurus Club.
A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree complains.
"I'm a talking tree!" The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."
What's your name, son?" The principal asked his student. The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir." "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, "No sir, my dad has the stutter but the clerk who registered my name was a real jerk."
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
Never break someone's heart, they only have one. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
So, after arguing for an hour with a man who said I was in his seat, he finally said, “OK, YOU fly the plane”.
I'll never forget my Granddad's last words to me just before he died. "Are you still holding the ladder?"
It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus. And I lost my job as a bus driver!
"Just say NO to drugs!" Well, If I'm talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.
I don't have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.
It's important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words 'antidote' and 'anecdote,' one of my good friends would still be alive.
Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I believe in a better world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.
To the guy who invented zero... thanks for nothing.
Tablets were replaced by scrolls. Scrolls were replaced by books. Now we scroll through books on tablets.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.
My grandson has taken up meditation. Well at least it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.
You know that moment when you close a cupboard and hear something fall? That’s the sound of someone else’s problem.
“Hello! Is this the fire department?”
“Yes.”
“Listen, my house is on fire! You’ve got to come right away! It’s terrible!”
“Okay, how do we get to your house?”
“You don’t have those big red trucks anymore?”
When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. And usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV.
I don't mean to brag, but cashiers are always checking me out.
My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge.
Well. We'll just see about that...
Have you heard the news about the corduroy pillow?
It’s making headlines.
I fold fitted sheets exactly how I’d fight off a boa constrictor.
My father was a conjoined twin. His brother was my uncle on my father’s side once removed.
If you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any containers.
A salesman knocks. The door is opened by a 12-year-old holding a glass of cognac and smoking a cigar.
Salesman: "Is your father home?"
Kid: "What do you think?"
Doctor: You have a very rare and very contagious disease. We must quarantine you. We’ll feed you pizzas, pancakes, and quesadillas.
Patient: Will that cure me?
Doctor: No… but it’s the only food that will fit under the door.
I invented a new word today: Plagiarism!
I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.
I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.
I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode! This morning, Siri said, "Don't call me Shirley."
The first rule of Passive Aggressive Club is…
Know what, just forget it.
It’s FINE.
A guy walks into a bar and yells, “All lawyers are assholes.”
The man at the end of the bar says, “I object to that remark.”
The guy responds, “Why? Are you a lawyer?”
“No, I’m an asshole.”
My grandmother was eighty-eight years old. Never needed glasses. Drank right out of the bottle!
Tips for women.
It's important that …
you find a man you can count on and never lies to you,
a man who helps you around the house and has a job,
a man who makes you laugh,
a man who loves you and spoils you.
It's most important that these four men don't know each other.
Someone stole all my lamps. You'd think I'd be upset...
...but I'm actually delighted.
I tried suing the airport for misplacing my luggage, but my lawyer kept saying I’d already lost my case.
The man who invented auto correct has died. His funnel will be on sundial at moon.
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.
I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster. If anything, it just made him more sluggish.
I was fired from my job as a masseur. There wasn't any specific incident. Apparently, I just rub people the wrong way.
Doctor: Relax, David. Don’t panic. It’s a common everyday surgery.
Me: But my name isn’t David.
Doctor: I know. I’m David.
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”
If you’re being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead.
The first person to hear a parrot talk was probably not OK for several days.
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.
I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me.
I just fired myself from cleaning my house. I don’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Doctor, there’s a patient on line one who says he’s invisible.
Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”
Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
How long is a minute? Depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
You've heard of Murphy’s Law, but have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly-sliced cabbage.
I never thought orthopedic shoes would work for me, but I stand corrected.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
When I was younger, I felt like a man trapped inside a woman’s body. Then I was born.
To whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy.
I told her she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side got amputated? He’s all right now.
Running feels great, unless you compare it to not running.
Grandpa unfortunately passed away before we could remember his blood type. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
My brother took going to jail pretty badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared the walls with his own feces. After that, we never played Monopoly again.
My friend can’t believe he got fired from the calendar factory. All he did was take a couple of days off.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Calendars are on the brink of destruction. Their days are numbered.
A teller was fired from his job at my bank today. An old lady asked him to check her balance, so he gave her a shove.
Doctor: Do you want the good news first, or the bad news?
Man: Good news first please, doc.
Doctor: Good news is we’re naming a disease after you.
If you ever get locked out, speak calmly and empathically to the lock. Communication is the key.
Good moms let you lick the beaters. Great moms turn them off first.
Even though I went bald years ago, I still carry my favorite comb with me. I just can't part with it.
My friend got a PS5 for his little brother. Best trade he ever made.
My friend David had his ID stolen. Now he’s just Dav.
Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it.
Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.
A guy walks into a pet store to buy a goldfish. The salesman asks him, "Do you want an aquarium?" The guy says, "I don't care what its star sign is.”
If you don’t pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
I called my orthopedist, told him I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
Alexander the Great, William the Conqueror and Winnie the Pooh all have the same middle name.
I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.
Young woman comes home from a date, rather sad, tells her mother, "He proposed to me an hour ago."
Mother: "Then why are you so sad?"
"Because he told me he’s an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."
Mother: "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandpa… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
What do the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common? Icy dead people.
Since I had my neck brace fitted, I’ve never looked back.
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
If life gives you melons, you might just be dyslexic.
Two muffins were sitting in an oven. One turned to the other and said, “Wow, it’s pretty hot in here.” The other one shouted, “Wow, a talking muffin!”
Sold the vacuum today. All it was doing was gathering dust.
I was sitting in traffic the other day. Probably why I got run over.
Sure, I drink brake fluid. But I can stop anytime!
The leading cause of dry skin? Towels.
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey... but then I turned myself around.
I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m ok.
I tried making BeefStew my password, but apparently it wasn’t stroganoff.
A New Yawk joke: A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither. It ended in a drawer.
So I said to the waitress: "What’s the duck like?” She said, "Like a chicken, but it can swim”.
Had a date last night. I really enjoyed it. Tonight, I'm gonna try a fig.
What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Phillipe Floppe.
I avoid the new pancake vendor at the corner. He gives me the crepes.
How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.
I heard that it's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide pods. It’s harder to deter gents….
I tried to take a selfie in the shower. The images came out really blurry. I think I have selfie steam issues.
My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I told him my door is always open.
New study shows 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.
Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease.
So the funeral for the man that invented Tupperware, was postponed while they tried to find the right lid for his coffin.
I went to a pawnshop looking for old Bing Crosby albums and a boom box. Bought a Bing, bought a boom.
I read an article the other day that said nothing rhymes with purple. I knew it was fake. Nothing and purple don’t rhyme!
The inventor of the jigsaw puzzle died yesterday. His wife is said to be in 1000 pieces.
Earlier today, I saw a bumper sticker that said “I’m a veterinarian, therefore I can drive like an animal.” And then I realized how many proctologists are on the roads.
To the person who stole my place in line... I’m after you now.
If one door closes and another one opens, the house is haunted and you should probably run…
Got my paycheck and the envelope was full of parsley... Somebody garnished my wages.
In college I was so broke I couldn’t afford the electricity bill. Those were the darkest days of my life.
I helped my friend move into his new house. It took all weekend!! In gratitude, he gave me two small aquariums. That’s the tanks I get.
Dad is down at the auto dealership, looking at potential choices. “Cargo space?” he asks. The salesman says: “Car no do that. Car go road.”
I was on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies... Is this a trick question?
How do you tell the gender of an ant? Put it in water. If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats...
Scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked. Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived.
I know a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the local park. She sells C cells by the seesaw.
What's the toughest part of being a vegan? Keeping it to yourself.
Neil Diamond has listed his Volvo for sale on EBAY ~ Swede car online.
What has five toes and isn't your foot?
My foot.
So I think it's a disgrace on society and our education system when after 50 years, most people have no idea who Neil Armstrong is…
Or what kind of trumpet he played!
I keep seeing the quote on women’s tinder profiles, "If I was meant to be controlled I would have come with a remote."
Joke's in them, I’ve been turning women off for years without a remote.
Just helped my neighbor bury a rolled up carpet in the woods.
Her boyfriend would've done it, but he's out of town.
You can't spell gravity without gravy. And you can't spill gravy without gravity!
If I could have Thanksgiving Dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I would want them to be alive.
I don't mind Genetically Modified foods. I've just had a lovely leg of salmon.
Did you hear about the accordion player who decided to name all his daughters the same name? Anna 1, Anna 2, Anna 3, Anna 4.
The downside of living in my area is that so many people have head lice. The positive side is, we are a close nit community!!
A pair of owls have conspired to steal ancient Peruvian artifacts. They're Inca hoots.
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early? Because Dawn is tough on Greece.
If any of you believe in telekinesis, please raise my hand.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
The Genie granted me one wish and all I wanted was to be happy. Now I live with six dwarves and work in a mine.
My pony caught a cold. He’s a little hoarse.
I hate spelling errors. You mix up two letters and your entire post is urined.
So in Dubai they don't like the Flintstones. But the people in Abu Dhabi Do.
What the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anybody can roast beef...
I googled "Missing medieval servant". It came back with "Page not found".
I don't call it lying down, I call it landscape mode.
How much does a lizard weigh? Depends on the scales.
How much does it cost to buy a large singing group?
“A choir?”
Ok, fine. How much does it cost to “acquire” a large singing group.
I asked my daughter to give me a phone book. She laughed at me, called me a boomer and lent me her iPhone. So, now the spider is dead, her iPhone is broken and my daughter is furious.
Me: This show is boring.
Boss: Again, this is a zoom conference.
So I went to the shop this morning to pick up six cans of Sprite. When I got home I realized that I'd picked 7up.
I was shocked to see that my first grade teacher, Sister Mary Teresa, is now working as a bartender. It’s the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen, bar nun.
Why do Irishmen make their chili with exactly 239 beans? One more and it’d be too farty!
Our maintenance man lost his legs on the job. Now he’s just a handyman.
Fun fact: "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh' sound. At least, I'm pretty sure that's correct.
A cantaloupe farmer named John is offering a course on fruit farming for older single ladies. Calls it John's Cougar Melon Camp.
Now that I think about it, I’ve never met a single person who is married.
My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him a Xbox game for his PlayStation.
It appears that autocorrect has become my worst enema.
The only thing I have planned for today is to get my new glasses. Then I’ll see what happens.
I once took the pee out of a pirate. He was furious!
How old were you when you realized that “Dammit I’m mad” spelled backwards is “Dammit I’m mad”?
The guy who invented, "Take Your Child To Work Day," probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on his way to work.
My coworkers have given me a nickname, “Mr. Compromise”.
It wasn’t my first choice, but I guess I’m ok with it.
My friend is losing his mind over missing a piece of his 5,000 piece puzzle.
If he thinks that’s bad, I'm missing 4,999 pieces of the same puzzle.
I have this recurring nightmare where not only am I forced to become vegan, I'm then stranded alone on a desert island and there's nobody to tell.
What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake.
I applied for a job hanging mirrors. That’s one thing I can see myself doing.
I entered my son’s room and said to him, “Remember, son, masturbating can make you go blind.”
He said, “I’m over here, Dad.”
How did the hacker get away from the police? He ransomware.
I often wonder who Pete is… and why we do things for his sake.
Small babies will be delivered by stork. The heavier ones will need a crane.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Smoking bacon will cure it.
My dad once told me that if I put a potato in my swim trunks, I would attract more women. He failed to tell me to put the potato in the front.
Did you hear about the incredibly average philosopher? His name was Mediocrates.
A policeman spotted an elderly lady knitting while driving.
"Pullover!" he said.
"No, it's a scarf!" she replied.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already.
Fun fact: Australia's biggest export is boomerangs. It's also their biggest import.
My boss told me that as a security guard it’s my job to watch the office.
I’m on Season 4, but I’m not really sure what it’s got to do with security.
A guy broke into my house last night and was looking for money. So I got up and looked with him.
What do you call it when you mix alcohol and American Literature?
Tequila Mockingbird.
The waiter came up and said, ”Do you want a box for the leftovers?”
I said, “No, but I’ll wrestle you for ‘em!”
Why does a milking stool only have three legs? Because the cow has the udder.
I wanted to become a monk but I never got the chants.
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he'd walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.
I'm sure he'll come around, eventually.
If your girlfriend comes home wearing a white jump suit, smelling like honey and covered with bee stings, then you KNOW she's a keeper.
"It's not you, it's me." Twins going through a family photo album.
Therapist: It seems like you have an acute phobia of marriage. Do you know the symptoms?
Patient: I can't say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That's one of them.
Just my personal preference, but I think Dove's chocolate tastes waaaay better than their soaps.
A wizard asked me to proofread one of his scrolls last week. Actually, it was more of a Spell Check.
A priest, a rabbit, and a bishop go to donate blood.
The nurse: What is your blood type?
The rabbit: I’m probably a Type-O.
If you're cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
I can’t believe I got arrested for impersonating a politician. I was just sitting around doing nothing.
Doctor you've got to help me, I'm addicted to twitter.
Doctor: I don't follow you.
I’m trying to stop eating deli meat. But it’s hard to stop eating cold turkey!
I might try lunges to get in shape. It would be a big step forward.
Napoleon may not have designed his coat, but he did have a hand in it.
Never share a secret with a clock. Because Time will tell.
It’s really hard to say what my wife does for a living. She sells sea shells on the sea shore.
What pronouns does chocolate use? Her/she.
Her: "Why do we need walkie-talkies? Our relationship is over."
Me: "Our relationship is what? Over."
Sting has been kidnapped. The Police have no lead.
When I was young, I was very poor. After years of struggle, I'm no longer young.
I got thrown out of Mime Club yesterday... must've been something I said.
My tinder date and I decided to meet at a gym for our first date, but she never showed. That’s when I knew we weren’t going to workout.
My son asked me what procrastinate means. I said: “I’ll tell you later.”
BREAKING NEWS! Engineers have just made a car that can run on parsley… Now they're hoping to make buses that run on thyme!
The inventor of auto-correct has died. His funnel is tomato.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten Tickles! The first 2 are test tickles….
I always set two wake up alarms... One for the person I want to be, and one for the person I am.
How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Put it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats...
I have a pet tree. It's like a pet dog, but its bark is quieter.
I get really annoyed with people who can't be bothered to get simple clichés correct. They should wake up and smell the toffee.
Dropped a huge bottle of ketchup on my foot. It caused severe pain to-ma-toes.
I'm tired of people misusing the words, there/their and they're. I'm going to start correcting them weather they like it or not.
So many people these days are too judgmental. I can tell just by looking at them.
The average person is really mean.
The kids have been throwing Scrabble tiles at each other.
It’s all fun and games until someone loses an I.
I found $20 lying in the parking lot and thought to myself “What would Jesus do?”
So, I turned it into wine.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
One thing I can't deal with ... is a deck of cards glued together.
My dad brought me up single-handedly. It's not easy being the son of a pirate.
It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong. It takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut.
News: The World Origami Championship has been won by a man from The Philippines, known simply as The Manilla Folder.
I used to work as a programmer for autocorrect... but they fried me for no raisin.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap after breaking and entering.
Autocorrect has become my worst enema…
We had a dog with no legs-so we took him out for a drag!
I've been telling everyone the advantages of eating dried grapes. It's about raisin awareness.
My dryer door keeps popping open during use. If it does it one more time, that's it. I'm throwing in the towel.
Beer is like the sun... It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
A friend of mine asked me if I had any Q-tips. I said, "Yeah, first I make a circle, and then I make a little line out of the bottom."
I am a pretty amazing ventriloquist. Even if I do say so myself.
Just got kicked out of a karaoke bar for singing Danger Zone five times. Apparently, I exceeded the maximum number of Loggins attempts.
Dove's soap is nowhere near as good as their chocolate.
I built a huge model of Mount Everest at the beach. People asked, “Did you build it to scale?” I said, “Oh no, just to look at.”
Whiskey is an amazing invention. Two doubles and you start feeling single again.
Just to let you all know that the Beatles museum is now open 8 days a week.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never aging is wearing the same clothes every day.
Such a beautiful day for golfing. And I broke 70 today for the first time! That's a lot of clubs. I'm a terrible golfer.
I didn't know how to spell 'plagiarized' so I copied and pasted it.
Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.
Sorry I'm late, traffic is exactly how it's been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.
Why did the Mexican restaurant owner lose the archery competition?
He didn’t habanero.
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ...
"I hope the porn in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's just regular porn, you sick bastard.”
Light travels faster then sound. That’s why people appear bright until you hear them speak.
My life is a constant cycle of waiting for the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
I'm failing my Marine Biology class. My grade is below C level.
I hate it when I walk into the kitchen looking for food and only find ingredients.
When I was a child, I was made to walk the plank.
We couldn't afford a dog.
My girlfriend broke up with me when she found out I only had nine toes. She’s lack toes intolerant.
I asked seven billionaires, “What's the secret to your success?" and they all said the same thing… "How did you get into my mansion?"
Phew!! I just finished painting every room in the house, it took months. The real Estate agent said I could have just taken pics.
My aunt is a church official who organizes parishioners’ personal information. Her job title is Nun of Your Business.
I was washing the car with my son, when he asked, "Dad! Why don't you use a sponge like everyone else does?"
My car mechanic asked me how often do I rotate my tires. I said, every time that I leave my driveway.
A pessimist sees a dark tunnel. An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel. A realist sees a freight train. The train driver sees three idiots standing on the track.
My grandma is 96 and still doesn't need glasses. She drinks straight from the bottle.
The most terrifying moment in life is when the toilet refuses to flush at someone else's house.
A man loses three fingers in a work accident. At the hospital he asks the doctor, "Will I be able to drive with this hand?" The doctor replies, "Maybe. But I wouldn't count on it."
My wife stormed into the pub last night as the boys and I were downing shots of Tequila. "You're coming home now!" she screamed. "No, I'm not," I laughed. She said, "I'm talking to the kids."
I went to the doctor's yesterday complaining of sore feet. He said, “Gout." I said, "But I just walked in!"
Whenever I left the door open, my mom would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd, because you'd think she'd remember something like that.
My friends laughed at me when I said I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary. Well, the last laugh is on them because they're imaginary too.
Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
I asked my wife why she married me. She said, "Because you're really funny." I said, "I thought it was because I'm good in bed." She said, "See! You're hilarious."
If you spell the words "absolutely nothing" backwards, you get “Gnihton yletulosba", which means absolutely nothing.
Does anyone else find it weird that when Star Trek boldly goes where no one has gone before… they always find someone there?
My wife thinks it's weird that I stare at the window during a heavy rainstorm. It would be a lot less weird if she'd just let me in.
If you ever think English is not a weird language just remember that read and lead rhyme and read and lead rhyme. But read and lead don't rhyme, and neither do read and lead. So when you read read as read when you meant to read read as read and not read, you have to reread it so you read it as read and not read.
It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub, and it's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again. MAN, I sure am LUCKY! I mean, first I win the lottery…
A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says, "You must be single." The man answers, "Wow, how did you know that?"
Cashier: "Because you're ugly."
If you see a road sign that says "Survey Crew Ahead" they are not actually interested in your opinion. I know that now.
Here's the problem with fruit: it's inconsistent. Some apples are delicious, some taste bad. Sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. You know what's the same every time? Doritos.
A friend of mine named his dog '5 miles' so he could tell people he walked 5 miles. But today he ran over 5 miles.
If you can't look back at your younger self and realize that you were an idiot, you're probably still an idiot.
85% of Americans don't know how to do basic math. Thank God I'm in the other half.
My wife asked me, "Are you sometimes surprised at how little people change?" I said, "Actually the process is the same. They just have tiny clothes."
Incorrectly is the only word that, when spelled correctly, is still spelled incorrectly.
Bumper Stickers:
Stupidity isn’t a handicap. Park somewhere else.
Buckle Up! It makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car.
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.
I’m the quiet neighbor with the big freezer.
STUDENT DRIVER. If I knew how to drive my dad wouldn’t be in the car.
I don’t understand, but I also don’t care. So it works out.
Let’s eat Grandma. Let’s eat, Grandma. Commas save lives.
God called. He said his last name is not dammitt.
Ever stop to think… and then forget to start again?
Just sold my homing pigeon on Ebay for the 22nd time.
I’m not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.
I would agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.
I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don’t want to see you every day.
Life is like a game of chess. I don’t know how to play chess.
Ask me about my explosive diarrhea.
I go where I’m towed.
I used up all my sick days, so I called in dead.
My last tailgater failed the brake test. You ready?
HONK if you love silence.
I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
My child was inmate of the month.
I’m a bitch… just not yours.
Marriage is grand. Divorce is 100 grand.
After the rapture can I have your car?
Bar Jokes:
An ego and a superego walked into a bar. The bartender asked for their id.
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You can’t tell me that’s a coincidence!
A penguin walked into a bar and said, “Has my father been in here today?”
The bartender said, “I don’t know. What does he look like?”
A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a dog at his feet. “Does your dog bite?” he asked. “No,” was the reply. So he reaches down to pet the dog, and the dog bites him. “I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite!” he said. “That’s not my dog.”
Genie: I shall grant you three wishes.
Guy: I wish for a world without lawyers.
Genie: Done, you have no more wishes.
Guy: But you said three.
Genie: So, sue me.
Russell Crowe and Sheryl Crow walk into a bar. The barkeep calls 911 and says, "I want to report a murder."
I was going to tell you a time travel joke but you didn’t like it.
I’ll tell it anyway…
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
A limbo champ walks into a bar. He loses.
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food here.”
A ghost walked into a bar and ordered a shot of vodka. The bartender said, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve spirits here.’
A young man is passing by a bar when he sees an old woman fishing with a stick and a string in a puddle by the sidewalk. “She must be a poor old fool,” he thinks to himself, and out of the kindness of his heart, he invites the woman in for a drink.
After he’s paid for their round and the two are sitting quietly, he asks her, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old woman grins, takes a big sip of her drink, and replies, “You’re the eighth.”
A lion walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do you have any jobs?”
The bartender shakes his head sadly and says, “No, sorry. Why don’t you try the circus?”
The lion replies, “Why would the circus need a bartender?”
A panda walks into a bar. He gobbles some beer nuts, then pulls out a pistol, fires it in the air, and heads for the door.
“Hey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, “I’m a panda. Google me!”
Sure enough, the definition for panda was: “A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”
Two jumper cables walk into a bar.
One of them says, “We’d like a couple of beers, please.”
The bartender says, “OK, but don’t start anything.”
A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a door. And a staircase.
A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar.
Bartender says to the rabbit, “Why are you here?”
Rabbit says, “I don’t know. I think I’m a victim of autocorrect.”
A gorilla walks into a bar and says, "A scotch on the rocks, please." The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill. The bartender thinks to himself, "This gorilla doesn't know the prices of drinks," and gives him 15 cents change.
The bartender says, "You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here." The gorilla replies, "Well, at $9.85 a drink, I ain't coming back, either."
Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks.
A man runs into a bar. Panting, he tells the barkeep, “Give me 10 shots of your best whiskey — quick!”
So the barkeep sets them up, and the man knocks them all back in seconds.
“Why are you drinking so fast?” asks the barkeep.
“You’d drink fast too, if you had what I have,” says the man.
“Why, what do you have?” asks the barkeep.
“Only 12 cents.”
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”
I was going to tell you a time-traveler joke but you didn’t like it.
I’ll tell it anyway…
A bartender says, “We don’t serve time-travelers in here.”
A time-traveler walks into a bar.
Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."
The second one says, "I'll have one, too."
The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."
The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A snake walks into a bar. The bartender says, “How the hell did you do that?”
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, ‘Is this stool taken?’
Lawyer Jokes
A guy walks into a bar and yells, “All lawyers are assholes.”
The man at the end of the bar says, “I object to that remark.”
The guy responds, “Why? Are you a lawyer?”
“No, I’m an asshole.”
As a lawyer woke up in the hospital after surgery he asked, “Why are all the blinds drawn in here?” The nurse answered, “There’s a five-alarm fire across the street and we didn’t want you to think the operation had been a failure.”
What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer? A bad lawyer might let a case drag on for several years. A good lawyer knows how to make it last much longer.
What’s the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer riding a motorcycle? The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.
An attorney was working late one night in his office when, suddenly, Satan appeared before him. The Devil made him an offer. “I will make it so you win every case that you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will worship you, your colleagues will be in awe, and you will make enormous amounts of money. But, in return, you must give me your soul, your wife’s soul, the souls of your children, your parents, grandparents, and those of all the your friends.” The lawyer thought about it for a moment, then asked, “But what’s the catch?”
A 50-year-old lawyer who had been practicing since he was 25 passed away and arrived at the Pearly Gates for judgment. The lawyer said to St. Peter, “There must be some mistake! I’m only 50 years old, that’s far too young to die.” St. Peter frowned and consulted his book. “That’s funny, when we add up your billing records, you should be at least 83 by now!”
What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.
Why does the bar association code of ethics prevent sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
What’s black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A doberman pinscher.
A man was sent to hell for his sins. As he was being led into the pits for an eternity of torment, he saw a lawyer passionately kissing a beautiful woman. “What a joke!” he said. “I have to roast in flames for all eternity and that lawyer gets to spend it with that beautiful woman.” Satan jabbed the man with his pitchfork and snarled, “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”
A man went to a lawyer and asked what his fee was. “$1,000 for three questions,” answered the lawyer. “Isn’t that a little steep?” said the man. “Yes,” said the lawyer. “Now, what’s your third question?”
What separates witnesses from the lowest form of life on earth? The wooden partitions around the witness stand.
A rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car that breaks down in the countryside one evening. They walk to a nearby farm and the farmer tells them it’s too late for a tow truck but he has only two extra beds and one of them will have to sleep in the barn. The Hindu says, “I’m humble, I’ll sleep in the barn.” But minutes later he returns and knocks on the door and says, “There is a cow in the barn. It’s against my beliefs to sleep in the same building as a cow.” So the rabbi says, “It’s okay, I’ll sleep in the barn.” But soon, he is back knocking on the door as well, saying, “There is a pig in the barn, and I cannot shelter in a building with a pig.” So the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn. Shortly, there is another knock on the door and the farmer sighs and answers it. It’s the pig and the cow.
A young lawyer, defending a businessman in a lawsuit, feared he was losing the case and asked his senior partner if he should send a box of cigars to the judge to curry favor. The senior partner was horrified. “The judge is an honorable man,” he said, “If you do that, I guarantee you’ll lose the case!” Eventually, the judge ruled in the young lawyer’s favor. “Aren’t you glad you didn’t send those cigars?” the senior partner asked. “Oh, I did send them,” the younger lawyer replied. “I just enclosed my opponent’s business card with them.”
Wife jokes
My wife and I decided we don’t want children. We’re telling them at dinner.
My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.
I came home today to find my wife has been on Ebay all day. If she's still on there tomorrow, I'm going to have to lower the price.
My wife threatened to leave me because of my obsession with optical illusions.
I said: “Wait! This isn’t what you think it is!"
My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor. More on this after the break!
My wife told me: Sex is better on vacation. I wasn't expecting that on the postcard she sent from Greece.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 3 years. I don't want to interrupt her.
After dinner last night my wife asked me if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it!
My wife was mad at me because she says I'm lazy. But I didn't even do anything!
My wife is furious with me because she found a bunch of hidden letters that revealed I was cheating on her. Now she refuses to play Scrabble at all.
My wife asked me "is it just me, or is the cat getting fat?"
Apparently "No it's just you" wasn't the right answer.
I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!”
She is watching our wedding video again.
My wife's birthday was last week. She was leaving jewelry catalogs everywhere... so I bought her a magazine rack.
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
Me: I have a joke, but I may have told it to you before.
Wife: Is it funny?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Then you haven’t.
She: At least invite me out to dinner.
He: I don't go out with married women.
She: But I'm your wife.
He: I make no exceptions.
Wife: "You hate my relatives!"
Husband: "No, I don’t. In fact, I like your mother-in-law more than I like mine."
Waiter: “How do you like your steak, sir?"
Man: “Like winning an argument with my wife.”
Waiter: “Rare it is!”
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife's birthday.
A man goes to see a wizard and says, "Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?
"Maybe", said the wizard. "If you can remember the exact words of the curse."
The man replies, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
A wife asks her husband, "Please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
This morning I made sure my wife woke up with a big smile on her face. I’m not allowed Sharpies in the bedroom anymore.
It's really nice to know after all these years my wife still thinks I'm sexy. Every time I walk past her she says, "What an ass!"
My wife said "Your wonderful" in a text to me. I replied "No, you're wonderful". She's been in a good mood all day. I don't think I should tell her I was correcting her grammar.
Took my wife to an orchard. We stood there and stared for an hour. Not the Apple Watch she was expecting.
I received a text from my wife earlier. She said she was breaking up with me. Imagine the relief I felt when she the texted, “Sorry, wrong number.”
Wife: “I’m leaving you”
Me: “Is it because I act like a know it all?”
Wife: “YES!”
Me: “Ha! I knew it!”
His wife yelled from upstairs and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
He replied "No..."
She responded: "How about now?"
His wife asked him, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating!?” So he took her to dinner and a movie... and then dropped her off at her parents’ house.
I couldn't think what present to get my wife for her birthday, so I asked her.
With tears welling in her eyes, she replied, "Oh darling, nothing would make me happier than some diamond earrings".
So, I got her nothing.
My wife left me because I am too insecure.
No, wait! She’s back now. She went to get a pint of milk.
“Your underwear is much too tight and very revealing,” I said to my wife.
She said, “Wear your own then.”
I met my wife on Tinder.
That was awkward.
My wife says I only have two faults. I don't listen... and something else.
My wife wanted a Christmas tree in every room of the house but I said nah, that's overkill. So we compromised and had a Christmas tree in every room in the house…
Women really know how to hold a grudge over the smallest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue. It’s been a week now and she’s still not talking to me.
My wife asked if I would clear the kitchen table. I had to get a running start but I made it.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
My wife and I often laugh about how competitive we are.
But I laugh more.
Wife: Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he goes to work. Why don't you do that?
Husband: How can I? I don't even know her.
His ex-wife still misses him. But her aim is starting to improve!
Wife: I'm pregnant.
Dad: Hi pregnant, I’m dad.
Wife: No, you’re not.
My wife told me that she'd only slept with 5 people before we met. Normally, I wouldn't mind, but I was only 30 minutes late.
l asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You're an 8 on a scale of 10."
I still don't get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.
My wife told me, “Don’t get upset if people call you fat... you’re much bigger than that.”
My wife and I just had a daughter and named her JuneJulyAugust. We call her Summer for short.
I married my wife for her looks, but not the ones she's been giving me lately.
My wife said it’s over and just walked out on me! But I just sat there. I always like watching the credits to the end.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy. But other times I let her sleep in.
I said to my wife: "When I die, I'd like to die having sex."
She replied: “At least it’ll be quick.”
My wife screamed, "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!”
I was taken aback... what a weird way to start a conversation.
